The Rose Bush

Not many times does one come across a kindred spirit that connects with their own.  These moments are a rare gift and they are to be treasured and appreciated.

I can freely admit that I don't have many kindred spirit connections with people my age.  All the ones I connect with are much older than I.  And the connections I make are insightful and inspiring.  They make me think.

Awhile ago, I had a moment with a patient I was working with.  We were talking about life.  Fitting in, going places, and just how to master existing.  Yes, I do not joke around with conversations.  This guy was just great.  He shared so many things about his past that reminded me we all go through phases of feeling alone and 'stuck'.

I was telling him about some of my experiences and then for some reason, I really opened up.  Sometimes it happens.  I can't help it.

I shared with him one of my biggest life frustrations.  It's no secret really.  I get very frustrated when I feel like I am not making enough of an impact.  When my efforts are yielding few visible results. 

See, my goal in life was to be a person who makes a difference and impact in the world.  And I have never had small plans.  My role models were Mother Teresa, Oprah, Katie Couric, among other great journalists and humanitarians in existence.

Sometimes I become discouraged, and feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew.  Especially when my mind drifts into shallow thoughts such as how many people I can call a friend, or how many people I can really count on or, who really takes the time to listen.....Because when someone makes a huge impact in the world, don't they have countless visible followers?  Aren't they considered chosen?  Do they really ever feel under valued or neglected by those around them?

My patient smiled at me.  And then he said this.....

"Sara.  I love to tend to Rose bushes.  There are so many kinds of roses.  So many different types of plants they come off of.  It's absolutely amazing the thousands of roses that can be produced.   While roses are notorious survivors of extreme heat, cold, and can 'beat the odds' they are, at the same time, not easy to care for.  A person who knows roses understands that there is a specific way to take care of a rose bush for it to produce a beautiful flower.
Notice, I said A flower.  Sara, one has to constantly prune a rose bush.  This means one must choose the rose buds he wants to cut and the ones he wants to leave.  Eventually sometimes ending up with one rose bud.  The reason is, the less roses on the bush the more beautiful and life changing the roses left on the bush become.  You see, it's not so much about the roses you cut for your vase....It's about the roses you leave on the bush, until ultimately you end up with one beautiful rose.  Do you ever think that in your moments of feeling like you are making no impact in this world that God is just deciding to leave you on the rose bush?"

Wow.  Silence.  I look at him and said, "You know, I never thought about it that way."

He then smiled and said, "Well, you should"

Sometimes while I'm 'schooling' patients on hip precautions and energy conservation I get 'schooled' in life.  It's humbling and amazing all at the same time.

I'm honored to have those kinds of experiences.

It shows me that we are all meant to be in this world for each other.  And that God does reach us through even perfect strangers.

So, moral of the story is when you feel like everyone else is being chosen around you don't be discouraged.  Keep concentrating on your growth as a person.  Ultimately your time to be picked off the rose bush will come, but for now you are being saved for something special. 

So for over a year I have be yearning for SOMETHING to write about. I feel sometimes nothing magnificent is happening to me. I look of facebook and I see friends getting married and having children. I see my friends who have had children watch them grow. Happy beautiful toddlers and young kids they are now. It's amazing the time warp that seems to happen in one's 20's. So much changes. I often like to reminice about years past. I guess I am a romantic. I live in a different time era otther than the one I am in currently..

Writers block has hit me and kept me trapped in solitude. And then I witness the most profound act of kindness. And it urged me to write. Abdiel and I are trying to explore the area of CA. Believe it or not, I have not explored too much on my own. Although I like to be alone at times, I am still a very social being...Exploring on my own here has not been much fun. Well, we went for a hike along the beach below the gliding park at Torrey Pines, in La Jolla CA. First, to get to the beach, we needed to hike down a steep path from the top of the cliffs.

It appeared to be a well used pathway, that the state just decided it couldn't keep up with anymore. It was actually a difficult way down, sand, slippery, and steep. It took some time to near the bottom. As we were approaching the bottom we saw a woman beging her acsent to the top of this stairway. She walked as if she was taking her first steps. :Obviously too much to drink. She was dressed in jeans that were falling down and a large shirt. She was carrying man's clothes with her as she walked. At one point on the bottom of the stairs she lost balance and fell over.

I was hesitant as I walked to the bottom of the stairs. I am sad to admit this, but as I passed I pretended not to notice her. I believe out of the corner of my eye she was teetering towards me. I quickly walked by. As Abdiel and I approached the beach we heard a voice of a young man behind us. He acknowledged the lady.

" Hello, are you trying to go to the top?"

"Yes" she replied.

"Had a little much to drink?" he asked.

"Yes" she said again.

"Well let me help you to the top." he kindly replied.

With that, he steadied the ladly and put her arm around his shoulder. Then, he began the acsent with her to the top of the cliff. Abdiel and I stood in utter shock. We were dissapointed with ourselves to say the least. Here we were, the story of the Good Samaritan fully ingrained into our minds, and we had just walked by.

God taught us a very impressionable and profound lesson that day. I don't think I will simply walk by a person like that again.

My mom and I had a conversation one day. It was about truly helping someone. What is helping? What does that actually mean?

I'm reminded of a few stories in the Bible, one in particular is when Elijah went to a widow's house to hide. The widow only had enough flour and oil to feed her and her son. She gave in good faith and fed Elijah. Because she so willingly helped him, and willingly sacrificed in good faith, God blessed her with an abundance of oil and flour.

That's just what this person did...He had made the same hike down that Abdiel and I had made. And he chose to go back up with the extra burdon of another human being. He gave his time and extra exerted energy for this lady. As I said, it was proufound to watch.

The Bible does not talk about those who helped with no sacrifice to themselves. The people whom God admires and acknowldges are those who give at an expense to themselves. If we do not feel the 'pang' of not having so someone else can have then we have not 'helped' to the extent which God asks of us.

Sometimes I think we become stagnant and caught up in our little 'spiritual highs'. We donate here and there. We volunteer a Sabbath afternoon to feed the homelss...but when it comes to giving and helping with an expense to ourselves and our personal lives we find reason not to.

Can it be true that Jesus not only came to sacrifice himself for our 'general sins' but also to sacrifice Himself for our eternal excuse making and ignorance to social policy and helping others at our own expense?

When we think of the death of Christ I think it's important to begin thinking more specifically...Do you?

Iconic Woman, and why I am inspired by them...

So, Elizabeth Taylor died yesterday. Not that this death personally effects in in anyway, but it got my thinking. I started thinking about all the iconic women in history. I wondered..."Who exactly are they?" "What did they look like?" "What did society adore and admire about them?" and "How do they inspire me?" So, today I am taking a look at the women who are iconic to me, and why I am so inspired by them...

The first one is Mother Theresa. A nun yes. Catholic..Yes. The good she did all around the world is like no other I know! This woman single-handedly brought the world to it's knees as she provided people everywhere with basic needs. She fed the hungry, clothed the poor. Things that we have a hard time doing ourselves. I mean, we have no problem doing it for people in Africa, South America, or countries elsewhere...Let's admit though, feeding or clothing a poor American? Most of us cannot do that without passing some type of judgment! As a little girl, I remember telling my mom that I was going to be like this lady. (Minus the Nun) I was going to give people their basic needs without passing judgment. A true testimony to our Creator!

I have been watching her since I can remember. I thought it would be magnificent to have the means this woman did. She broke through prejudice and reached women of all ages and races. Not to mention the great things she's done! The one thing I really like about Oprah, is that her talk show was never like Maury or the other silly ones. She educated people and she was not afraid to provoke questions, thoughts, and new ways of thinking.

She was beautiful.... Everyone wants to be a Princess. I think I liked her so much because she reminded me that I am a Princess. We don't have to have an actual crown to live the life she lived. She was concerned about others who had less than her. Running into good fortune never stopped her from acknowledging the outside world. I admire how strong she was. Still maintained her individuality while living in a society of tradition and strict adherence to the standards of the public eye.

While our focus is on England. If one has not read about the life of this queen than one must! She showed wisdom beyond her years, and to step forward to lead a country at such a young age...What a scary and brave thing to do! It takes a strong woman to try to do things on her own. And when she realized her mistake, she kept moving forward and eventually began to do all the right things. She was certainly a wonderful leader, and together with her husband, re-invented several wheels.

In modern times she is known as Joan of Arc or Jeanne Arc, but during her life she was called Jeannette or Jeanne, and the name she herself used was Jehanne la Pucelle (Joan the Maid). At age seventeen, she led the French army to several victories against the English. She was then captured, tried and convicted of heresy by an English-controlled church. Joan was only nineteen years old when she was burned at the stake. What a leader! The true beauty of a woman is shown through that deep strength and ability to lead during dark moments.

Yes. I have been reading many of her books. Jane is the only lady I feel I know personally because of her books. Her writing is so detailed and unique. I can see her quirky humor in it. The sarcastic wit and fabulous endings. She is iconic to me because she challenges society's view on a woman's outrageous predicament during her time.

Ah yes! I know I was born in the wrong era. I would have no problems dressing like this iconic lady. She was fabulous and had a wonderful eye for clothing. She broke women away from the corset and pulled us into 'menswear'. She represents a change in feminine roles. Innovative and classy. I love Coco Chanel.


The last few ladies who are iconic to me I save for last. This is because they are my own. My mom...Kandy Davitt. She has been through the wringer and back. She remains strong and protected. I can go to her when I need to...She is always wanting to protect my best interests. My Grandma Virginia Keith... When my mom had no idea where I was coming from she did. My Grandma got me through many of my teenage years. She died when I was sixteen. One of the saddest stories in history. The waves of humiliation that swept over her while she was at her sickest. The way she still went on serving while no one seemed to recognize her value until she was gone. She was a huge part of my life and I still look back on the way she lived as a source of inspiration when I need to be gentle. Next is my Grandma Breta. I don't remember much about her, she died from ovarian cancer when I was around the age of four. I do however, hear her voice in my dreams sometimes and her laughter. My mom said she passed away elegantly. Anyone who can be so gentle when faced with such unknown territory is iconic. Lastly, my Great Grandma. Her witty attitude towards life. Her sarcastic sense of humor. This woman rode a covered wagon from South Dakota to New York State. She rode a motor-home across the country, and when my Grandpa hit the breaks hard she fell to the floor. Later on that day, with two black eyes and a few missing teeth, she happily told every stranger she met that she had 'gotten in a brawl with Buffalo Bill' This wonderful lady dressed me in the 'latest' fashions growing up (wide leg jeans 7th grade ;-) She tried to marry me off when I was 14. She was a wonderful asset in my life and I recognize that I was fortunate to have her.

Admire the Iconic Women who inspire you. Reflect often on why they do. My mom, grandma's, and great grandma's make up who I am. The rest I admire tell me who I am. Here's to great inner strength, intuition, beauty, fashion, a selfless spirit, and all the rest!


~Sara Sue Renee

Wrongly Accused...Comprimised...and Finally Vindicated...

Have you ever been wrongly accused of something?
Set up?
Have you every had people gang up on you in a sense and all of the sudden...BAM! Major problem with you.
You never saw it coming, you never expected someone would feel that way about you...
It's happened to everyone, we've all been talked about by someone we thought never would..we've all had someone steal something from us...we've all trusted and had our trust burned...we've all been wrongly blamed or accused for something in one way or another.

It's a feeling of the worst kind.
The betrayal and hurt. The broken trust.
Not to mention...How could they feel this way or think of you that way?!
It's not at all how you view yourself. How could they develop that perception of you?

I'm writing this blog as a sort of vent.
I was wrongly accused many a time.
Looking back at how I handled the unwanted blame, I now see how instead of freeing myself from it I let myself be captive to it instead.

How heavy are the burdens and chains we place on others.
The human race is so sinful.

We choose not to blame ourselves for any inadequacies.
Instead we throw the burden onto others.
This is something I have realized recently.
It's why I feel that sometimes the systems that we set up to provide for society are so dysfunctional.

We think we are so elevated in our thinking compared to other species of animals..Yet we will go so low as to slander our neighbor and our friends to feel better about ourselves. We never want to feel pain alone and subconsciously share the burden with others.

What happened to carrying our burden's independently and then giving them to Jesus?
Why would we place our burden's on another helpless person's back?

We demean. We compromise each others characters. We refuse to trust. We refuse to be honest. How elevated of a species is that?! Even lions are honest about their intent to kill.

When have we ever been completely honest, even to ourselves, as to what our intentions behind our actions really are?


There is good news in all of this. That is our characters have been vindicated from all sin and wrong doings by Jesus himself. If it wasn't for Him we'd be even less than preditorial animals. God was wrongly accused. Whenever I am in that type of situation I try to let it help me understand exactly what He felt. The feelings of accusation and betrayal run deeper than many feelings. These two things can override love if there is not a power fighting back.

Thank God for Love. Thank Jesus for allowing himself to be betrayed. Thank goodness that life on this earth is only very temporary.

Conversations with Johnny...

Working in the school system is definitely a different experience. I don't know why I haven't journal ed about the kids I work with. Today I definitely felt impressed to write about some of them and share a little about what I do. It's incredibly easy to overlook these kids and what they go through while we deal with our own issues. We get so busy in our own mess it's difficult to think that any one's situation could be a whole lot worse that ours.

I walked into the classroom of my 5th and final school for the first time. It was Thursday. Time to get to know a whole new set of kids. Time to sort through the last OT's mess he left behind. "Here we go..." I thought as I stepped into the Special Day Class. About 12 happy faces stared at me. "Is Johnny here?" I asked the teacher. She smiled and pointed to a boy sitting at his desk reading a comic called "Captain Underpants..." He would loudly chuckle to himself as he turned each page.

"Johnny, the OT is here to see you!" his teacher exclaimed. "You can pull him anytime," she said to me. Johnny and I walked out to the auditorium together. He walked as fast as he could, his short legs stretching to keep up with my every step. As he walked he asked a series of questions: "Where's the old OT?"
"I don't know," I said. "He is not working in schools anymore," I explained.

"Why?" asked Johny

"I don't know," I replied.

"Why don't you know?" he inquired.

"I don't know why I don't know," I calmly stated.

"Do you know anything Ms. Sara?" he asked.

"Yes Johnny, I know some things."

"Do you know how to make me better?"

"Better?"

"Ya, like, will you help fix me?"

"Fix you?"

"Yes! You know, make me healthy!"

"I don't know if I can do THAT Johnny."

"Well, what can you do?" he asked imploringly.

"Well, I can try to make you happy," I replied.

"I'm good with happy. Make me happy Ms. Sara. Do you like Harry Potter?"

This was our first conversation. This conversation nestled this child firmly into my heart. Johnny is a very very sick boy. He was born with a tumor on his spine. Several surgeries later, and chemo...along with loss of bowl control and overall fitness this wonderful Filipino boy resumed the fight for health, wellness, life, and normalcy.

I really looked forward to working with Johnny every week. He would always be sitting in his classroom reading "Captain Underpants" and chuckling out loud. Then he would turn his bright face towards me and exclaim: "YES! OT! Ms. Sara did you watch Sponge Bob yesterday?" Then he would go on into these fantastic stories. I would eagerly listen while he performed the OT tasks on the table. We would talk about Harry Potter, Sponge Bob, what crabby patties would taste like if they were real, what our cartoons would be about if we made up some, or just about Johnny's life.

Johnny would never directly talk about what is going on with him. He would just talk about blissful things. He'd talk about his parents or the latest movie he was going to see.

I found myself going home and renting the movies he talked about or watching Sponge Bob, just so I could join in his blissful wonderland. It was when he started to talk about "Make a Wish Foundation" that my ears would really start to perk. "What does he mean, Make a Wish?" I thought to myself. "How serious is this?" I wondered.

A little research opened me up to the seriousness of Johnny's situation. Everyday IS a miracle for Johnny. I couldn't imagine being below 5th grade and facing death on a day to day basis. Johnny's great imagination is his great escape from reality.

I couldn't help but grow even more fond of what happened to this wonderful kiddo.. I was so determined to make every session of our meaningful, for the rest of the year. Towards the end of the year we had a conversation that broke my heart..

"Ms. Sara, I'm going to the Harry Potter theme park!" Johnny told me.

"WOW Johnny! Harry Potter!"

"Yup, and Ms. Sara, I would really like to get you something." "I want to get you a wand." "It will be hard though, because the wand chooses the person you know, so I may not be able to get you one."

I smiled. "It's okay Johnny, I don't need a wand." "Maybe you can show me yours when you come back." I replied.

"Well Ms. Sara. I don't think magic will help me, even though I wish it was real, but I may just come back with a pet owl. Then I will send you a message!" he smiled.

"See you next year my friend" I said. "Be careful, owls can bite!"

"Don't worry Ms. Sara. I'm very good with animals!" He exclaimed and walked towards his class.

Before he got to the door he turned and said: "I hope I get you as an OT next year!" and with one last smile closed the door.

I do have Johnny again this year! We have resumed our adventures and every time I see him he makes me smile like I have never smiled before.

Johnny has taught me that I have much bigger things to be concerned about other than myself and my own issues. Whatever difficulties I am currently dealing with, none of them are permanent. None of them threaten my day to day existence. Yet, there are individuals out there whose everyday existence is threatened. How are they so positive? What do they see and feel that so many of us cannot seem to grasp?

Johnny reminds me of God's love and existence everyday. Sometimes I think so minutely. Only about myself. "How am IIIII going to deal with this?" "Why is my life so difficult?" "When is this going to end?!"

When I start to narrow my life view point God checks me with Johnny. If HE can have such a hopeful and wonderful attitude, I have NO excuse.

Re-Invented

Re-Invented

Sometimes we all need to start over, in our lives and in our hearts. Break down and build back up. Do not despair about the future or lament about the past. Instead look for joy in your sorrow and peace in your suffering. Open your heart,lay down your will, and face your pain.

Embrace your sorrow and suffering because God is molding you, so you may find joy and peace. We cannot see clearly out of our grimy windows if they are shut to love. Open them, your eyes your heart. Let God show you how to deal with your pain, what you are going through. Let your relationship with Him grow with your experiences. Learn to not want what you were or be content with who you are, but love who you are going to be. For these experiences on earth will mold you for heaven.

Please never forget to love always and forgive no matter. Keep your heart open to God, look deep inside and you'll see how you are longing for a love deeper than what any earthly thing can give you. I've learned much about love. Here with love comes hurt. It's a given risk one takes. Makes one vulnerable. But the hurting helps one to love with compassion.

So when life here breaks you down to the very core of your being...don't despair. Instead embrace the opportunity to re-invent yourself and allow God to once again be your creator.

God Bless

~Sara Sue Renee

Beat...

Beat

Breathe, become something else.

Beating over soft sand.

Matching rhythm of the waves.

Becoming part,

of something,

better.

I fall into horse's neck,

bury my face in the mane

Only my eyes look between the ears

Not that I have to know

Where I'm going.

we breathe, last breath.

No more air, 'til the end.

Quick pace, beating the current.

Still racing the wind.

Just me and the horse,

beating odds

of what's against us.

wind, sand, water, salt

disappear.

All that exists is the rhythm

of our hearts

matching

rhythm of the run.

When will we breath again?

Not

Until

We

Run

Out

Of

Adventure...

By: Sara Sue Renee