What is selfless?

Selfless. What is selfless? When I was younger I used to go and visit my grandparents and great grandparents for the weekend while my mom and dad took a little break from the world. Of coarse, being at my grandparents house was my break from the world. No school or homework. Just chocolate milk and cuddles. I remember one particular day I was sitting in the kitchen watching my grandma make dinner. The kitchen was small with a hard wood floor that kinda slanted down hill. This meant that the only chair worth sitting in had wheels! So I would sit on the wheeled chair and pull myself up to one end of the kitchen and then lift my feet and roll aaaaaaaaaallllllllllllll the way to the other end. While I was rolling in the chair my grandma would take an occasional moment to talk with me and teach me her "life lessons" as she called them.



This day she had decided she was going to teach me about being selfless. As she talked about giving to others and blah blah blah…(Because I wasn't listening.) I held my chair still and stared at the window above the sink. There my grandma had hung glass tear drops and when the sun was at just the right angle the tear drops would scatter rainbows across the wood floor. I thought they were beautiful, and she did too. Then my grandma went back to stirring whatever it was and I continued to roll my chair.



I wished I had listened to what she had said about being selfless. Because maybe if I had, I wouldn't have had such a difficult time achieving that quality… But instead of watching and listening and learning I grew frustrated with her. All the time she spent in the nursing home taking care of all the "old people" as Erik and I put it those days. And not even that! She would go upstairs and take care of her bosses cats and clean her bosses house and do her bosses laundry. I always felt that my grandma was far from selfless she let herself be a housemaid. And I hated that.



The more I saw how much she gave, the more I tried to take for myself. I became greedy, and wouldn't share. I wouldn't give people I didn't like the time of day. But it was worse than that. I would lie and hurt. I remember notes that my grandma would leave me when she came to visit… Begging me to tell the truth and see my mistakes. But I wouldn't listen. Sure when I got them I cried, and apologized. But the tears were crocodile tears. Put on for show. "Be selfless!" She would plead. "Sara, you are capable. I know it's in you!"



Then, she got cancer. It happened so fast. One day I got home from school and found my mom lying on her bedroom floor crying, and she told me. I didn't know what to say. We went down to visit grandma all the time. She mostly slept. I would sit for hours in a stool and sing her favorite hymes. I would tell her stories, and I would feed her at meal times. When it was time for us to sleep I would curl up next to her and cry. She would cry too. Our tears would blend in a river of sorrow. For her it was because I hadn't changed yet. For me it was because I thought without her I'd never change…



My grandma died only 6 months after she was diagnosed. The cancer didn't even give her enough time to lose her hair from the chemo. I remember being in the house after her service. I sat in the kitchen. And even though I was 16 years old I still sat in the rolling chair. Bringing myself up to one end and letting myself roll back to the other. And I looked at the floor. The tears on the window scattered their rainbows. No matter what they would always show their colors and always remind me of my grandma. I got off my chair and curled up on the floor in the midst of the rainbows and cried. I stayed there for an hour remembering all the lessons my grandma had tried to teach me.



I've changed a lot since then. Now my grandpa is sick. I go to his house and sit with him for hours. I don't have to talk; he just likes someone to be there. I get a bucket of water so he can soak his feet. I wash and dry them and then I give him a foot rub. His feet, well… They are not the most appealing to touch. But I love my grandpa and I would do anything to make him feel at least a little better. And sometimes at certain parts of the day I look up at one of his windows. On it is a little teardrop and it scatters rainbows across his carpeted floor.



And while I watch the rainbow I realize that I have figured out what selfless is. I never saw how grandma's boss couldn't take care of herself. I failed to notice how lonely the people in the nursing home really were. And I had been selfish to not realize, but in the end being selfless took over. I was selfless while singing to my grandma for hours on end. I am still selfless today by taking care of my grandpa. I am capable of giving my all to help anyone in need, even if I don't personally know them. And I would never expect anything in return. I don't lie, because it destroys relationships. I don't hurt others because I'm just not capable of that anymore. And I'm happy I've lost that part of me.


When I go to church people come up to me that knew my grandma. And they will say "Sara, you look just like she did years ago!" or they will tell my mom, "Sara's not much like you or her dad…She reminds me of her grandmother." I am so honored to walk in my grandma's footsteps. She is one of the most amazing women I will have ever known. Not a housemaid… A selfless, loving, wonderful woman. The person God wanted her to be. And if I can be like her, as selfless as she was, I know it will bring me one step closer to knowing Jesus.